It’s 3am on a winter morning in Joburg and I’m sitting on my bed with blankets wrapped around me as my only means to keep warm. I have my lecture notes open on my lap as I’m preparing for my deferred exams, but the barking dogs outside won’t let me focus. I am unsure of the potential dangers around me, but barking dogs at this hour is never a good sign. I have a feeling of unrest from the thought of the crimes that could be happening nearby and when this structure that I’m in will be the target. I have the kind of fear that I don’t remember having in this house before.
But again, this feeling is not new, I know it! I’ve had to normalise it for most of my life as a means to allow myself to exist in this space. But this time around, it’s just enhanced to a point that it feels alien…and I know why. Over the past few years, university has offered me safer spaces to occupy, spaces where resources are in excess, spaces that are protected by systematic layers from the realities of an unequal society that we live in. I’m thinking about the past few weeks in Washington DC, I was in a space where I could sleep without worrying about barking dogs outside, or study at 3am without wondering why I’m hearing voices outside, spaces where I could exist without fearing for my own existence.
On one of the days in DC when I got home just before midnight (which happened often), my host mom and dad reminded me that I should call them if it’s late so that they can come and fetch me from the metro station. I remember responding, ‘don’t worry, it’s too safe here,’ and it was, the environment felt safe…it was like a space kept away from all else. The distance from the Forest Glen metro station to the house was about 10 minutes’ walk and I peacefully walked it alone, usually late at night, without fearing for my life or possessions. Around the same hours in the township, one can barely step outside.
Once upon a time, the state of the township didn’t bother me much because it was all I had been exposed to. One thing that systems of oppression have done so well to sustain themselves, is to isolate us in certain parts of this universe and ensure that the way we live is the only way we know how. The architects of that system knew very well, the magnitude of the resistance that would ignite within ourselves had we had a taste of the life and privileges in their part of this universe. Think of the schooling system in the USA, that one can only go to a school that is within the state they reside in…
It’s good to be back home, and being here has been the first reminder that I’m black and underprivileged. Not only am I seeing the disparities, but I’m feeling them. I guess it’s also okay to be feeling this way, it builds the urge to work for more.